ADLANDS'    DIGEST
                     A Free subscribed Discussion List
                               of 14,174 subscribers
                      on web marketing and promotion
               supported by AdlandPro World's Classifieds
                       at http://www.adlandpro.com
                         Bogdan Fiedur,  Publisher
                     mailto: Bogdan@softfornet.com
                         Vol. 1, #148,  Dec  30, 1999


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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Topics in this issue:

         Sponsor Message
         Word from Publisher
        =====================

C o n t i n u i n g   D i s c u s s i o n s (5)
=============================================


1.)  Any Merchant System Provider for Non-U.S. Company
~ Rina
~ Linda Caroll

2.)  Webhosting
~ TOM TREE
~ Penny Widell

3.) Link Share problems
~ Patricia Bergfeld
~ Robert Lee

4.)Subject: A note of thanks, and request for an objective point of veiw!
               (was Affiliate links question)
~ Sheila Currie


5.) Merchant Accounts
~ sales@bizwebsites.com



N e w     P o s t s   (5)
==========================

1)From: Melanie Kozik
~ Real Value

2) Rodger
~ Say,,just got a brainstorm..maybe

3) Zak Onyiego
~ Internet advertising Tips.

4) Don Wetmore
~ Resolution

5) Joe
~ Check out this site if you have been Scammed!




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==========================


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G u e s t   A r t i c l e (1)
================================
Tag-Team Marketing!
By John Ellis






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================== Word from publisher ====================

Greetings All

Welcome  396 new subscribers who joined list since last mailing.


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I hope everyone one had  a Marry Christmas or Holidays and now
is time to whish you all Happy New Year 2000.

I anticipate that this will be better year for everybody. Being able to
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==========C o n t i n u i n g   D i s c u s s i o n (1.1)=============
From: "Rina" <ajunksiteofresources@businessweekmail.com>
Subject: Any Merchant System Provider for Non-U.S. Company


Original message:-
 From: "Michael Loo" <mikcflo@pc.jaring.my>
Subject: Any Merchant System Provider for Non-U.S. Company

I am in the process of creating my own website selling
Allergy-related product, looking for a credit card merchant
system provider who would accept non-U.S. company.

I am also interested to setup affiliate program & ezine
related to Allergy, where could I get the right management
software/system for of the above.

Thanks.
========================================

Hello Michael,

I am going to answer your questions in more details as I myself receive a lot of
similiar questions from people interested to set up their online webstores and I hope
it's also of benefit to Adland Pro Readers.

The reason why most websites uses the American Merchant System is because most
countries recognise, accept (and respect!) the American dollar!  (Yes, even in
Singapore!)  A credit card can be debited with any currency (the magic of using
credit cards)!  S
o even if you're using a Singapore UOB Credit Card to pay for something in Hong Kong
dollars, the conversion rate will apply at time of purchase or billing (accroding to
the respective credit instituition's terms), automatically.  Example, I am paying US$
50.00 for something, actual bill will appear as SGP$75.00 for my Singapore credit
card.  Like I said, conversion is automatic and you perhaps need to put this in
writing somewhere on your secure payment page so you don't have to worry if it's a US
payment
 system at all.

However, the safest bet, if you want to be able to provide non-US payment systems to
your customers, is to consult your COMMERCIAL / INTERNATIONAL bank.

Try http://www.acceptcreditcards.com/m/135/cards.html if you want to consider cheque
drafting software which allows you to print your customer's cheque in realtime (no
waiting for cheques to come in).

If you need to accept US currencies, you only need to have a US Savings or Current
Account.  Here are some sites with US payment systems:-
http://www.eccx.com/cj_apply2.html?AID=16038&PID=65941
http://www.cardacceptance.com/cgi-bin/RATS.cgi?14347-authorizenet.htm

Please also note that web shopping carts are entirely a different matter from the
online payment systems.  Web shopping carts are a matter of design and/or computing
language that facilitates your online catalogues.

If anybody has an updated ecommerce service that I am not aware of, please let Adland
Readers like myself know.  Thanks for reading and Happy Millenium!

Regards,
Rina


==========C o n t i n u i n g   D i s c u s s i o n (1.2)=============
From: Linda Caroll <linda@lindacaroll.com>
Subject: Any Merchant System Provider for Non-U.S. Company



Hello Bogdan and Adland Subscribers!

RE: Michael's post in Adland Digest #147


From: "Michael Loo" <mikcflo@pc.jaring.my>
Subject: Any Merchant System Provider for Non-U.S. Company
... looking for a credit card merchant system provider who
would accept non-U.S. company....
***

Happy Holidays to you all!  I am writing in response to
Michael's post, looking for an International Merchant Acct.
I have written to Michael personally, but thought that Adland
subscribers might be interested in this information, too,
as well as the reseller benefits available to you all.

Like Michael, I was once looking for an International Merchant
account that didn't require a US business license. I'd been
looking for a good program for almost two years. It seemed
that almost everything required a US based business license,
US based mailing address, and US based bank account.

Many merchant providers had ridiculous holdback fees where
they would sit on 10% or 15% of the profits - without interest-
for six months or more in case of chargebacks. Knowing that
the average chargeback rate is about 2%, this is ridiculous.
Getting the balance of my Christmas profit next summer?
With no interest?  Then there were the "per transaction" fees...
more profit out the door.

A few months ago, I stumbled across a press release for
a European bank that has offices around the world and
offer merchant accounts to International Merchants.
No hold back fees. No credit checks. 48 hour setup.
No per transaction fees. Multiple currencies. The company
does not distribute to the end user, but were looking to
partner with ISP's and providers who would then distribute
these merchant accounts to "the merchants"

I tried it out for my own business first. I am even more
impressed. I can not only take internet orders, I can
take phone, mail and fax orders, too. Many Internet
Merchant Accounts don't allow anything but Internet
sales, and you need a separate merchant account for
offline transactions. Not this one!

I am now fully authorized to distribute these International
Merchant Accounts, and have registered a second
business for Ecommerce Accounts.  Due to the need for
International Merchant Accounts, I am also offering a
referral plan, in which I will pay resellers $50 cash (USD)
for every person that signs up on their referral.

It's a little like the proverbial Schick ad where the owner
says "I liked it so much I bought the company" ..
except that  I bought "into" the company.

I would like to invite Bogdan and all Adlanders to visit
the new site and check out this fantastic package.

Whether you need an International Merchant account, or
don't qualify in the US due to credit checks, or if you're
interested in a referral plan so that you can resell this
package, it's all there and available to you!

Please feel welcome to contact me by email, or visit
my new website at:
http://www.123EcommerceStreet.com

All the best in the New Year!
Sincerely,
Linda Caroll

-----------------------------------------------------------
International Ecommerce. It's about time!
http://www.123EcommerceStreet.com
Websites that will blow your mind - not your budget.
http://www.swdomains.com
-------------------------------------------------------------



==========C o n t i n u i n g   D i s c u s s i o n (2.1)=============
From: "TOM TREE" <tomtree@hotmail.com>
Subject: webhosting


Hello all.  I have a questions I hope someone can help me with.  I was
wondering if there are any websites that offer free page hosting that
includes the ability to have CGI scripts?

thanks for your help

Kenneth Smith
================================


Have been using "FREEYELLOW.COM for two years and they have CGI
capabilities. They also have 'tracking' The iSP has grown considerably in
that time and is quite adequate for the price (FREE)
If you connect thru MY website www.TOMTREE.com I believe I receive  2 cents
or something.  LOL     HAPPY HOLIDAYS to all!
                                                    TOMTREE
                                               TOMTREE@HOTMAIL.COM



==========C o n t i n u i n g   D i s c u s s i o n (2.2)=============
From: "Penny Widell" <pennydw@wcenet.com>
Subject: webhosting


Hi Bogdan,

This is in answer to Kenneths post in Digest 147.

He can get a page now at Tripod that allows cgi.
They also have shorter urls now too.

 Just go to:http://www.tripod.com and sign up.

Penny Widell


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==========C o n t i n u i n g   D i s c u s s i o n (3.1)=============
From: "Patricia Bergfeld" <surfinpbergfeld@hotmail.com>
Subject: Link Share problems


I have to agree with you guys about Link Share.  I really think I have have
had some  buyers for which I did not get any type of credit.

I also have some stores that are associated with Comission Junction and they
seem to be very accurate.  They are extremely to check and everything is
updated daily.

I have been considering discontinuing the Link Share programs, but if you
like the mall type programs, you might want to check out Comission Junction
on my website at http://members.theglobe.com/surfinfool/paid4email.html


==========C o n t i n u i n g   D i s c u s s i o n (3.2)=============
From: "Robert Lee" <robl@direct.ca>
Subject: Link Share problems


Don't miss my point!

I wrote:
>>
Do I have a lot of confidence in Linkshare? NO!
In December so far I have 6,300 impressions of banners and text links, with
43 clickthroughs and no sales. This is just banner space that isn't paying
its way.
My last recorded sale with any of the merchants was back in April 1999, I
was paid under $5.00 US
>>
My inference here was the fact that despite 6,000 impressions in December so
far, no clicks and no sales.

Maybe my site isn't a shopping site, but with the use of banners and text
promoting Linkshare merchants, I would expect a greater return on the space
I am giving them for promotion.
This is not the case here and it is time to move on and find more profitable
ways to have a shopping area at aLoveLinksPlus.
http://www.alovelinksplus.com/shopping/index.htm
I will offer any merchant service the opportunity to be reviewed and
possibly replace existing merchants at aLoveLinksPlus. Do you have great
products? Do you customers trust you and come back to purchase a second and
third time? Is this your own online business and not an affiliate program?
If the answers are yes, lets talk about getting your service in place at
aLoveLinksPlus.
Valentines is just around the corner and I will help you to increase sales!
Write me now!
Rob.

-------------------------------------------------------
Robert Lee
mailto:webmaster@alovelinksplus.com
http://www.aLoveLinksPlus.com
Thank You For Choosing Us As Your
Dating Service Directory
-------------------------------------------------------


==========C o n t i n u i n g   D i s c u s s i o n (4.1)=============
From: Sheila Currie<currie@megsinet.net>
Subject: A note of thanks, and request for an objective point of veiw!
               (was Affiliate links question)



I wrote last month about my problem with my affiliate coding ( 1StoreMore.com ).  I
received a lot of great response, so thank you.  I have decided to rework the links
in 2000.  I am also going to re-design my business site Currie Business Services.   I
was analyzing another site for re-design and  I realized the owner needed to focus on
one thing and not let the visitors or advertisements get so overwhelmed with
everything that is going on at the site.  Emphasizing a theme and making it the main
focus to our pages and advertisements seems so easy, when you think of designing for
someone else.   Now someone go to my site and tell me what my focus should be:)    I
need to split up my site and build around an idea.  I have considered the "Work at
Home", focus.  But who, working at home, can afford to hire someone to do their
finances or buy from one of my affiliates?  Help!   I know the site need to look less
creative and more business like, and I need to focus more on a main idea to bring in
a profit.  As I said this is easier though the eyes of a stranger, so if anyone has a
minute my business site is at http://www.megsinet.net/currie   Feel free to write FLAN
or email me currie@megsinet.net with any ideas on what my focal point (or draw)
should be.  Thanks again!

Sheila Currie

-------------------------------------------------
Currie Business Services
Balancing, Analyzing, Budgeting
1StoreMore.com
The online family shopping mall,
indexed for easy comparisons.
----------------------------------------------

==========C o n t i n u i n g   D i s c u s s i o n (5.1)=============
From: sales@bizwebsites.com
Subjects: Merchant Accounts

24HRSMALL.COM is offering you fully equipped E-Commerce ready EStore for your
business for only $495 total cost. We will custom design a 5 page store with shopping
cart and upto 100 products listing.Each store comes with your very own fully
configured Mer
chant Account. No matter what business you are in Internet marketing statistics shows
people are relying more for their shopping and ordering on secured server equipped
online shopping mall 24HRSMALL.COM is the answer.
Once you are part of 24hrsMall.Com merchant community you earn dignity and respect
and name recognition you dont have to hassle individually you benefit from combined
advertisement absolutely FREE. If you already have a website enlist it on
24hrsMall.Com
merchant directory and product database all this for only $99 for a full year
listing. Come join our winners team and be a reputable, respected merchant at
24hrsMall.   http://www.24hrsmall.com
Email: sales@24hrsmall.com





======================N e w    P o s t i n g (1)========================
From: Melanie Kozik mailto:bearpass@jam21.net
Subject: Real Value

Hi Bogdan and adlands group!

Melanie here-I suppose this posting could be viewed as only an
ad...however, I am posting it and leaving it up to Bogdan's good judgement
to decide...

It's about the Internet Warriors of which I have been a member for nearly 2
years now.  The reason I am writing is because although I have always
been very happy with the Warriors, the changes made recently have *huge*
benefit to every marketer and I am Not exaggerating even a little bit.

Besides all the great stuff that was there before-Allen Says has gone and
purchased the rights to unbelievable scripts and programs that are just too
delicious to believe.  My eyes were popping.  Not only that, I took
immediate action and put many of these scripts and programs to work
immediately and it has taken my income from previously about
$1000.00/per mo. to $1800.00/per mo. in very short oreder.  I expect it to
continue to rise weekly as it has been barely a month since this all
happened.  This is a very real chance to uncover a cyber goldmine folks.

Here is just some of what you get for $49.95

1.  He gives you $30.00 of every 49.95 sale!
2.  He gives you book The Secrets of an Internet Marketing Warrior (it is the
BEST reading on marketing I've ever read and that includeds MYSS or
anything.)
3.  He gives you the Affiliate Master (tm) complete affiliate script to start
your own affiliate network!  (worth $1000)
4.  He gives you DirectMarketing Pro (tm) auto-resonder script!
5.  He gives you 3 hot products you can sell!  Yes, ready made!  One of
them has made me $400 since Saturday!  And yes.  Anyone CAN do
this.
There's TONS more and the forum alone is worth 50 bucks from the
help I have received there.  If your business needs a REAL boost, a
REAL idea...whatever it is you need...it's at the warriors site.
http://www.privatesites.com/whatsinside.cgi?mk2589
If you want to hear more about what the Warriors have done for me
personaly, just ask me.
privateye@investigative.on.ca
ALL the Best!!! Merry Christmas one and All! - Melanie Kozik


--------------------------------------------------
Investigative Resources for Everyone
website:  http://investigative.on.ca
email:  privateye@investigative.on.ca
----------------------------------------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note from Editor.

Melanie is  often contributing  to the digest and I trust that this message
although is advertising program she is member of, will provide marketing
help for those who try it.

B.F.



======================N e w    P o s t i n g (2)========================
From: Rodger CJCRWC1@aol.com
Subject:Say,,just got a brainstorm..maybe


Say,,just got a brainstorm..maybe. When sending out the "Digest",for those of
us who prefer to copy and file on a paper trail,how about posting the total
number of pages? I'm not sure if printing these out is cost effective,but it
does let me read them at leisure. Idea for staffers.....give an updated
dictionary to somebody you know has spelling problems. Hint: I used to take
one word,write it out,write out the "brief" definition,and place it on the
wall right across from the toilet seat. Funny how quickly you can ads da
verbages to ya's vocapulary.See whats i mean/. heheheheheheh.

Rodger......bye!
             "Wishes"


~~~~~~~~~~~
Note from Editor.

Rodger,

The number of pages this message will print,  will be different for
different printer setups, fonts and paper sizes used to print.
It would not be practical for some users to say number of
pages and this wouldn't be true in their situation.

In regards to spelling errors. Most computer users have on their
computers this or other program which does spelling.
In my case even my email program does spelling for me, and I
always use it before any message is sent.
It is much harder to check for grammatical errors though. (LOL)

B.F.




======================N e w    P o s t i n g (3)========================
From: Zak Onyiego <zonyprop@netscape.net>
Subject: Internet advertising Tips.

Hello Folks! Call me Zak.

Have you ever wondered how people successfully market on the Internet and make
millions selling, of all things, just 1-3 page reports? It's like in the
movies -- how do they do it? Know the stunts. That is how they do it -- and
they do it well. Here are some of the rules of the game:

Rule 1)
Strategically position yourself. In other words, be a unique          "you."
Don't chicken out because of the multitude and excellence of some of the
Internet marketing moguls. You will find out that their are actually no
moguls. They are only different. We are human beings and we love variety. That
is why we have the color spectrum.

Rule 2)
Never copy anybody's work. Be creative. Just read other people's work to gain
knowledge. If you want to write, write exactly what you feel. Don't be
intimated by others' styles and serious experience. You will learn that your
own work is the best of its own kind. However, when you write, be sure you
write well and stay within the rules and norms of English authorship. Do not
murder and mutilate grammatical rules of the English language or any other
language you are writing in.

Rule 3)
Find your niche in this jungle called the Internet. By finding a niche, I mean
a unique service or product that a lot of people need but is not in the
market. If you find a cure for cancer, you'll be an automatic billionaire.
That's a stretch, nevertheless. Your unique service or product can be as
simple as what you are reading here. For example, if you can write a report,
based on facts, on how people can advertise to 1 million targeted prospects on
the Internet for less than $1,000, you are a winner. Here I'm not talking
about these MLM scams I see walking around the Internet.

Rule 4)
Always, always, wear a happy face while communicate in the Internet. Make your
prospects comfortable and feel that they are indeed dealing with a human
being. Have that human touch. This can be achieved by referring people by
their names, stating how the product or services you're offering will benefit
them and not how good you services are. Appear to be honestly concern about
their welfare. Hold a dialogue instead of a boring self-serving monologue.
Above all, blend everything with palatable humor. Good humor not anything
vulgar or of bad taste.

These are four of the 10 rules that I'll be talking about in the next
discussion. Keep it simple!

Zak Onyiego


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
For powerful and unique Internet marketing tools as well as excellent sellable
products, I strongly recommend the following sites:
1. http://www.ezinemoney.net/sgx/d.cgi?partner-2813
2. http://www.secrets2success.com/special68150
3. http://wwww.imarketingmagic.com
---------------------------------------------------------------------------


======================N e w    P o s t i n g (4)========================
From: "Don Wetmore" <ctsem@email.msn.com>
Subject: Resolution


Now is the time to make our New Year's resolutions. For some of
us, we may not achieve them. I wrote an article that addresses
this issue entitled, "How to Make New Year's Resolutions Stick".
It's free for members of our List. To get yours, email your
request for "stick" to ctsem@msn.com

Don Wetmore-Professional Speaker

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Productivity Institute Time Management Seminars
60 Huntington St. P.O. Box 2126 Shelton, CT 06484
(203) 929-9902
mailto:ctsem@msn.com
http://www.balancetime.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------


======================N e w    P o s t i n g (5)========================
From: Joe <jsmarket@yahoo.com>
Subject: Check out this site if you have been Scammed!

Hi  List,

Thank you for your recent email.

Check out this site if you have been Scammed!

http://www.homebasedscams.com

A Great Read and free newsletter!
***************************************************

Joe





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===================G u e s t   A r t i c l e (1)=====================
Tag-Team Marketing!
By John Ellis

Hello Everyone!

How's your business? Fine I hope!

Are you a newbie to online marketing? Have you been
online for a while now, but you're still not receiving the
results you desire?

Today I'm going to show you 3 simple and cost effective
ideas that you can do today to drive more traffic to your site
and increase your sales!

If you're having problems trying to get more traffic to
your site, chances are there may be many other sites
that are in the same situation. Have you ever thought
about partnering with these sites?

I know.... you're afraid you'll lose more prospects and
they'll take your sales, right?

This method of marketing, I would like to refer to as
"Tag-Team Marketing".

It's sort of like wrestling, when there are 2 or more
members of a team, who compete against another team.
Each member of the team is called a 'tag-team partner'.

When one member gets in trouble, they can tag in their
other partners. If one of them gets hurt or is down for
the pin; the other team members will jump in and help
out.

This concept can also apply when it comes to marketing.
(Whether online or offline.) And I will show you some
simple ways you can do this too....

Before you can begin to use "tag-team marketing", you
must first find the right partners to work with. This is targeting.
You should try to find other sites or businesses that relate
to your site or industry. May be their products or services
could complement your products.

If you're a newbie, may be you could team up with another
newbie site. If your a wholesaler, it could be other
wholesalers, distributors or retailers. May be you can even
team up with your competition?

You've heard right.... you can team up with you competition.
What's better that having you competition selling your
products for you?

This is what "tag-team marketing" will do for you!

Once you have found a few sites you're interested in
working with, you can now begin by:

*  Participate In Their Opt-In Mailing Lists Or Discussion Forums
*****************************************************

Go to these sites and begin to post messages on their message
boards or on their discussion forums. This can be very
effective way to begin to "tag-team market".

Most webmasters (especially newbies), who have these
types of forums, may have some difficulties getting
visitors to frequently post on their boards. By you
posting, this will help to activate their boards. I have a
saying, "A crowd will draw a crowd." If others see
these forums are active, they'll also read and post
messages.

But be sure that you post useful information. Post
'client centered' posts. Answer the "What's in it
for ME?" questions. Don't use this as an opportunity
to promote your products or blatant ads. The
webmaster will appreciate this and what will he do?....

He'll return the favor, by participating in your forums. Now
you have also activated your board.

If these new webmaster publish ezines, what do you
think is another common problem?

Finding fresh, up-to-date, useful and credible content for
their readers, right?

Since you have already participated in their other forums
and you have provided useful information; these webmasters
will be more than happy to publish your articles. This can be
a great way to gain recognition. You will sort of become an
expert for these groups. This will also help to build your
subscriber base.

* Trade Links
******************

How many hits did you get to your site today?

2, 5, 10 or 15?

What if you traded links with another site that's receiving
500 hits per day?

You have now increased your site's hit count potential from
2 visitors, to 502 visitors per day!

Now what if you had 5 other similar sites on your team?

Your potential hit counts will now be 2,502 visitors per
day! How does that sound?

Most marketers are afraid to use this method of marketing
online. The feel it will only give prospects the opportunity
to purchase from your competitors.

If you prospects aren't purchasing from you right now;
then they're already buying from your competition. So
if you don't show them, they'll probably find them any ways.

Most prospects will appreciate this. They may get the
impression that you're really concerned about their goals,
interests or their desires. They will be able to compare
prices, your offers, products and services. Trading links
can be one of the fastest ways for a new site to multiply
their web presence and get more traffic.

* Create A Free Product Together
********************************

The next phase of "tag-team marketing" is to come
up with a item that you and your team can give away
free. It could be almost anything. (A free trial offer,
free services, free report, free ebook or free cup of
coffee, etc....)

Whatever you choose, be sure that it will have some
value to your prospects. It has to be something that
will benefit them.

Let's say your business is website designing and another
member's site offers internet marketing solutions. You
could create a free report or ebook, "How To Design A Site
That Sells!"

May be you can start an ezine together? The point
here is to come up with a free item that will give value
to each of your prospects.

This can also be a very effective and simple way to
multiply your web presence. In your free report you
could include information about other products, offers,
details about your ezine or links back to your site.

Plus each member will be responsible for promoting
this report. This means you'll be able to cover more
ground quickly; than you would working alone.

If your a newbie or you're struggling to get visitors to your
site, "tag-team marketing" may be the solution for you!
It's cost effective and one of the fastest and simplest ways
to quickly multiply your online presence and drive more
traffic to your site!

*This article may be reprinted and used only in its
entirety in your newsletters or ezines. Only
requirement is that you also include the resource
box below.

--------------------------------------------------------------
**Article by John Ellis. John has helped hundreds to
promote their online businesses. His desire is to
assist other businesses in achieving the success YOU
deserve! Check out his newest book, "Net Marketing
Made Easy!" Subscribe to the FREE bi-weekly ezine NOW!
<mailto:trafficjunky@fastfacts.net?subect=subscribe_adld_tagart>
http://www.je-circle-marketing.com



======================Joke of the Day=====================
From: "Laurie Delk" <delk@columbia.total-web.net>


A very weird thing has happen. A strange old lady has moved into my
house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got
in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day, she
wasn't there, and the next day, she was. She is a clever old lady, and
manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a
mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to
check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing, completely
obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried
screaming at her, but she screams back. If she insists on hanging
around, the least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no.
Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or
some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. I
don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money
from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's
all gone. I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only
conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend
some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. Lord knows she needs it. And
money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to
disappear at an alarming rate -- especially the good stuff like ice
cream, cookies and candy. I can't seem to keep that stuff in the house
anymore. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it,
because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this
and to make herself feel better, she is tamping with my scale to make me
think I am putting on weight, too. For an old lady, she quite childish.
She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I'm not
home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my
files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying
since I am extremely neat and organized. She also fiddles with my VCR so
it does not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed. She
has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail,
newspapers and magazines before I do, and blurs the print so I can't
read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume
controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and
whispers. She has done other things ---- like make my stairs steeper, my
vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She
even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real
challenge. Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put
them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me
to open the jars. Is this any way to repay my hospitality? She has taken
the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands
in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks
totally ridiculous in some of those oufits, plus, she keeps me from
seeing how great they look on me. Just when I thought she couldn't get
any meaner, she proved me wrong, She came along when I went to get my
picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter
clicked, she jumped in front of me! No one is going to believe that the
picture of that old lady is me."


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